Shhh…It’s okay, let change happen
For the second time in just under a month, the weariness and gloom has subsided…again. Brief as it may be, I’m cherishing it. Its intention was to keep me from action, and unfortunately it was somewhat successful. Articulating how I have been feeling is like explaining the logic in ping-pong — I’m all over the place, and I am far from even understanding myself. If I’m honest, it’s a general sense of being lost while navigating this portion of my life. I’m not done yet, but I recognize there is a purpose as I sort through the details of this season.
When I have a lot on my mind, I live in my head a lot, tucked in with the worries as they spin me into a tangled web of thoughts looking desperately for a solution. This is how I process things. And in my world there is a lot to process right now. Deciphering which part is circumstantial, which part is hormonal, and which part is spiritual, is futile. And I think it’s a little of all of the above. At times it wears me down, yet I’ve concluded it must run its course; there are important lessons in the chaos. Change is painful, but a wise man said there is a time for everything, and now must be a time for change. I have two choices: keep up with the changes and mold accordingly, or drown.
It’s also a time of seasons, quite literally and figuratively, although the literal seasons aren’t so much seen in Southern California as much as they are felt. Fall always presents itself in a unique manner: I smell it in the air, I see it in the breeze, and I feel it in the tension of a year winding up; a conclusion to another year written, yet I kinda want to change the ending. How about an ending where my babies stay babies forever and the pressures of this world don’t exist? And I’m just one season of fall closer to knowing that ain’t gonna happen. So as I turn many things over and over in my head, it begins to feel like too much. Too much of everything.
The changes are happening so fast these days, and I can’t keep up. It’s like being on a speeding train and as soon as I’ve almost gained my bearings, someone switches the tracks. Though I’m holding on for dear life, I lose my footing. How do others accept the changes I can’t stop thinking about? On the outside, I help my boy with college paperwork, I visit his school as the celebrated Momma of a senior class homecoming king nominee, I rent his graduation gown and start the endless list of “to-do” items for my senior, but on the inside, the countdown nearly splits me in half. Yet I can’t let it show, because after much deep thinking about this reality, I know, I cannot prevent this change, and for his sake I would not want to. Countering each and every painful thought of loss, with the profound awareness that I am so very proud of the adult he is becoming, and the young man he already is. Then there’s the one in the middle, and my mind is all too aware that this sister, who is thirteen months behind him, who may as well be his twin since they spend so much time together, might suffer a loss equal to mine when he leaves for college. As well as the fact that she will be a senior next year, and I will be forced to live this cycle all over again, which means there is no relief in sight. Reminding myself to be thankful is about the only focus that keeps me from melting into a puddle at times. And the physical struggle is real as well – having a junior and senior in high school is ridiculously expensive. And stressful. Did I mention stressful?
Coincidentally, or probably not, during this same season, I have not been feeling very well. Although it has much improved since my last post, my brain and body still feel fatigued. My body has been weaker, and things that are already hard, are harder. On good days, going to the gym delivers a reward that is simply addicting. On other days, like yesterday, I leave the gym, feeling better than I started to a certain degree, but all too discouraged from the day’s weakness, and I practically walk out with my head hung in shame. A self-inflicted shame which is fueled by the fact that I cannot even trust my own body.
And then among all of this, there are more situations which are heavy on my heart and mind; a multitude of other factors and people that cause me stress and worry and invite just a little more darkness to come and play. Again, I load these on with the current season’s weight as well, and continue to attempt to press forward as though the load was weightless. As though the burden of being unwell feels as light as being healthy, and beat myself up as a result for not being stronger and more able to cart around this additional invisible cargo. Forgetting to give myself any grace for my weaknesses, and losing sight of the One who offers not only to take my emotional weariness and physical burdens, but carry me as well.
After praying with a friend who knows exactly how to pray for me when I don’t even know what I need, I began to experience relief. I think Someone turned on the lights.
Light to find hope in different seasons.
Light to find the way when we’re lost.
Light to find the courage to accept change.